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Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Resolving Conflict Creatively

I recall hearing a trainer, when celebrating his twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, declaring that he and his wife had never had a conflict. Chances are that one of the partners had become a doormat or a "peace at any price" person. About the only other way to live without ever having an argument or conflict is to become a hermit.

Wherever there are people, there will always be conflict at one time or another. When handled creatively, conflict can lead not only to resolution but also to personal growth. What we need to do is learn how to fight fair, to disagree agreeably.

So how do we do this?

First and foremost is to always strive to speak the truth in love. We, need to precede truth with grace; that is, to always give loving, gracious acceptance. Unless we do this, the other person will not likely feel safe to share their truth. And without the sharing of truth, there is no connection and there is no resolution of conflict.

Second  listen…listen…listen—not only with our ears, but much more so with the heart. We need to hear what the other person is saying—not just what we think they are saying. This is because we all interpret messages through our own lenses, for "we see things not as they are, but as we are." And the more dishonest we are with our own inner-self (feelings), the more our seeing and hearing "lenses" are distorted and the more we will twist messages to make them match our perception of reality. For instance, if we are insecure or don't like ourselves, we will read into what others say to put ourselves down.

To resolve conflict creatively we have pointed out the need to strive always to speak the truth in love, to listen with our hearts and hear what the other person is not saying, to be honest with our true feelings, to use "I" messages, and to avoid the blame game.

Third  we also need to accept responsibility. Working with several hundred divorced people over the past decade, I have found that the majority primarily blame their former spouse for the breakup of their marriage without taking a serious look at what they contributed. I repeat, conflict managed creatively can be growth producing when both parties will accept responsibility for their share in the conflict. Yes, it is true, some people are bullies, belligerent, and dogmatic, but some of us are too "nice" to stand up for ourselves—that is, we are too weak, too passive, too co-dependent, or too super-sensitive.

some people are impossible to get along with, and there comes a time—with controlling, manipulating, dishonest, or abusive people—when we need to say, "No more," and exercise tough love. When we fail to do this, that's our problem. And, what the other person does or fails to do is their issue (or problem). How I respond is always my responsibility. Only when I can see and admit my part in the conflict can I have a chance of getting to resolution. I believe that failure for each party to see what he/ she is contributing to the conflict is one of the major causes of relational failure.

Fourth stick to the subject at hand. Whew ... when people stuff their negative feelings and sit on their hurt and anger, look out! They will eventually either implode, that is, turn their emotions inward and get sick or even have a heart attack, or they will explode. And it will be the "dumbest" little thing that triggers the explosion, and beware ... they will go back to unresolved grievances for the past three years (or three decades). To fight fair, it is imperative to deal only with the issue at hand.

Fifth confess nobody's "sins" but your own and seek to change only yourself ! The reality is that the only person I can ever change is myself. When I confess the other person's faults and try to change him or her, it just makes them madder, and rightfully so. It is so much easier to see the other guy's splinter and not even be aware of the log in our own eye !

A sixth step in resolving anger is to give up the right to always be right. People who have a compulsion to always be right are very insecure and immature. Be willing to say, "I was wrong. I apologize." We are not only to speak the truth in love but also to grow up in all areas of our Christian life—both are essential for effective communications and creative conflict management.

Seventh resolve conflict and anger as quickly as possible. The anger is all mine but when I fail to resolve it (like all negative emotions), I give "a mighty foothold to the Devil." When I resolve my anger, the devil loses his foothold and is defeated.

Eighth speak softly. Probably most of us tend to raise our voices when we are ticked off. However, keep in mind that research has shown that one effective way to handle yellers is to speak softly. This tends to make them lean forward and speak softer so they can hear what you are saying. Remember that yelling begets yelling! Also, as Michel de Montaigne said, "He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak."

Ninth pray. First pray about yourself. In utter frustration I begg God to face me with the truth of what I was still contributing to the mess I was in. What years of counseling failed to achieve, prayer did in two weeks. Only when I saw the reality of what I was contributing was I able to resolve my part in the conflict.

Then pray together. When two people genuinely want to grow through and resolve their conflicts and are willing and want to face the truth about themselves and pray accordingly, I don't think there are too many arguments and conflicts that can't be resolved.

 

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