Typos and grammar slips
· "Suspected to graduate early next year."
· "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
· "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
· "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
· "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
· "I am a rabid typist."
· "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
· "Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."
· "After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work."
· "Accounting cleric."
· "As indicted, I have over five years of experience analysing investments."
· "Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details."
· "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
More resume blunders
· "Fired because I fought for lower pay."
· "Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6'5"."
· "Please disregard the enclosed resume - it is terribly out of date."
· "Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10."
· "Qualifications: No education or experience."
· "I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy."
· "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
· "Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the Tax office, Police and Government."
· "Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near."
· "Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
Bad humour
· "Title: Another resume from the 'Profiles in Excellence' series."
· "Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all others to heat your house."
· "Also known As: Mr. Productivity, Mr. Clever, Mr. Fix-it."
· "Assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting." (Translation: Short-order cook.)
· "But wait...there's more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature."
· "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
· "My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job'- and I like your company in particular."
· "Trustworthy references available upon request - if I give them a few bucks."
· "Let's meet so you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' over my experience."